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| geez... it has been a while. things have been crazy, and busy and well, i don't know what other words can explain everything right now. but let's just say that it's all pretty nuts. it's sunday night and i can't sleep. there's so much on my mind that i don't know what to do with myself. luckily, i only have 3 days of work ahead of me, and a lovely 4-day weekend. but... that's a LONG time from now. so far, '09 has been alright. i mean... i guess you can say things can be better but i don't wanna be all emo and debbie downer about it, so yeah... i've thought a lot of my life 2 years ago. when i had little or no cares in the world. i was single, having fun, being young and free. now, i have responsibilities that i don't know how to deal with sometimes and i'm having trouble. not to say that being independent and responsible isn't great, but i guess i'm so naive to that fact that when this time did come in my life, i wouldn't be prepared. boy, is that an understatement. i'm missing out on things that i used to have. things that i miss SO bad, and i'm so sad about it. this past weekend has been crazy. so much happened, yet, i still don't know what to do. i've put myself in a position where i'm at a crossroads. keep living my life like i have for the past few months (or even year) or do something about it. maybe i just feel like at a dead-end now. you know when you are so comfortable with one thing, and once something comes into your life and you don't want to let it go, it just kills you on the inside? that's how i feel. because my past is catching up with me and i don't know what to do. my past isn't something i'm proud of, but it's definitely something that i don't regret. i've revisited certain things this weekend that i never thought i would, and it scares the shit out of me. with that, i can't stop thinking about it. as much as i wish i were a stronger person, i'm not. i wish i knew what i wanted. i wish i knew how to make things better. i wish i knew better. i'm sad and unhappy sometimes and for once, for one moment of my weekend, it all went away. things were great and i was happy and everything seemed right. for a moment. and just the fact that THAT happened is horrible. you know when you have a comfort level with someone, and that goes away because your life changes and than, out of the blue, it all just comes back and you don't know what to do with it? ugh. it really sucks. coincidence. now that's a bitch. that was my life 2 years ago. that was the rush and happiness i found at times. but... things happened for a reason and worked out. i guess. as far as the future goes, i'm not sure. i have to realize who's the most important person right now and to be honest, that has to be me. what do i do to achieve that and what do i do to make it all right again? i just wish i can rewind and go back to the part of my life where my life was more exciting. to a time where i didn't go to bed before midnight, went out with my friends to party at clubs and bars, go to random concerts and shows, didn't have to wake up by 6:30 am to get ready for work, had no one to answer to and had all the time in the world to do whatever i wanted. if i could go back to it, i would. and i would change things. because although i'm doing ok in my professional life, my social life and mind-set is totally changing and i just wish it wouldn't. we'll see. i deserve so much happiness. i really do.
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| so... the holiday season has begun! oh man oh man am i happy about the next few days. i'm in la mirada right now. i haven't spent the night here (actually i'll be here til sunday) in quite some time. i'm sitting here, on my old bed, thinking of all the good years i spent in here. i miss it sometimes. mainly being within arms reach of my dad and baby sister, laura. and a short 15 min. drive to my mom's/brother's and sister roxanne's house. oh how things have changed. being apart from my family right now is so tough. sure, it's been a while since i've moved out, but i end up missing it so much sometimes. particularly last week. when i felt this day/weekend would never come. i've never had the feeling of being homesick before, so it was all so new to me. i don't know how people can live hours and hours away from their families. i just couldn't do it. but it's all about effort. i would see my family more often if they weren't out and about doing their own thing. i told myself i would make more of an effort to be with them. tomorrow will be the first time for me to babysit laura in so long. it's been ages. we're just spending the day together until 3 pm, which is fine, since eugene and i have plans to be with his family in the evening, but i wish i could have more time with her. i've taken advantage of the fact that my family does live somewhat close. but i guess it's hard to understand. i drive ALL WEEK long. i drive from house to house all over south orange county and really, the last thing i wanna do on weekends is drive. especially when i have nowhere to go. *sigh* i'm not gonna bitch about that. because honestly, i think that's just me being lazy. well i hope there's to be no more of that and i'll do better at being a good daughter and sister. thanksgiving is finally here. so much to be thankful for! i love this time of year. i'm looking forward to this holiday season.
tomorrow, we give MORE thanks for everything we have in life. i say MORE because really, i'm thankful everyday for my life. in a world, and in particular, a nation where things are unsettling, and sort of in trouble, there's so much for people to be thankful for. i wake up everyday feeling so blessed and so loved because i have a great life and i share it with so many amazing people.
my wonderful boyfriend, who i couldn't be more impatient with sometimes, but whom i love to death. i've been around some awful relationships. my own and other peoples' and i'm so lucky to have him. we're not perfect, and we don't always get along, but in the end, we are all each other's got sometimes. i look forward to many, many more thanksgivings with him. we've gone through a handful of tough obstacles. some were my fault, some were his, some were both our faults, but in reality, we're perfect together. times can be tough, since i can't help but be nurturing to him and provide for the two of us. and although that may stress me out, there's no one i would ever do that for but him. there's no doubt in my mind that he's the one. i've finally found him.
my real, true friends, who call me to check up on me, who update me with their lives, and lend their ear when times are tough. i feel like i have so few of those people in my life nowadays, but i'm okay with that. leaving home has really opened my eyes of who my true friends are, and if "friends" are what cost me in the long run, i'm okay with that.
my job. this is a time where the employment rate in our country is at an all-time low, i'm lucky to have a great, fulfilling job that keeps me busy and not couped up behind a desk all day (although i did like my office job. A LOT!). i get to help children and families overcome such a huge obstacle. every day, i see progress with the kids i work with. and i'm so proud and thankful that i'm able to do that for them. it's a stable job, and i'm soon to be moving up. thank GOD for that. considering my employment and educational background (which is very, very limited), i'm pretty freakin' lucky to have this job.
with that said, i'm constantly in fear for my safety and health. i just had one small health scare mid-summer but other than that, i'm fine. and considering all the driving i do, i've been pretty lucky and am pretty proud of myself for being a good driver. i pray every day that God protects me on the road, to continue to watch over me and keep me safe.
and most of all... my family. who i've gotten so close to over the years. i've made some horrible choices in my life, and although my parents and siblings have never agreed with them, they've always been there. one day, i'll be able to make up to them all the pain and heartache i have given them in my 25 years of life. i couldn't ask for a better set of parents. they make me laugh and are always there to pick up their phones when i call. and my siblings. i couldn't ask for a better set. they're the best, and i am so proud of all of them and what they've accomplished over the years. my sweet baby sister laura. who's almost 3, but has the whole world ahead of her. let's hope america gets in better shape when she's my age. i can only pray that it does because she's an amazing little girl. she deserves that much.
with all that said, happy thanksgiving to everyone! eats lots of food, spend as much time with your family as possible, and get some good deals on black friday! =)
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| ugh. i've been living in OC for... hmmm... well, officially since summer of this year. unofficially about a year. there are just so many things i hate about it sometimes. yesterday, on the way home from work, i was high-beamed and got tailgated by some big ass gas-guzzling truck. um... i don't see why this person had to do that! it was about 5:15 pm, i was in the right (slow) lane, and the cars in front of me weren't exactly going fast either. so why should i have gotten high-beamed and tailgated on by some jerk who should learn how to manage his time better?! UGH. let me tell you, this happens often. especially when i'm not on the freeway. hell... i drive nearly 60 miles a day. i know when i should be driving faster, and when i need to be in the slow lanes. but DUUUUDE. what is it about stupid HUGE trucks with red-neck white guys in it that feel like they can intimidate me in my little civic. yeah, while you're getting something like 10 miles per gallon on your environment-killing vehicle, i'm the one getting nearly 30 mpg because i'm not pumping the gas and/or break peddles. GAY. seriously. i had to break check his ass a couple times for him to get off my ass. and when i got off the freeway, guess what car was in front of me? THAT truck! ugh. lame. OH! and friggin' soccer moms in their stupid mini vans and suv's, not to mention your usual mid-50's male with a spray-on tan who drives a convertible, which he looks absolutely ridiculous in. what is it about orange county that attracts such damn fools? is it because people call it THE OC? that's just retarded. the only people who call it that are stupid people who didn't grow up in the area and migrated from somewhere in the inland empire, up north, or out of state. i mean seriously... laguna beach isn't that nice. in fact, the drive going there is ridiculous. south coast plaza was great way before sex and the city, like before Carrie and the girls introduced the world to... christian louboutin and manolo blahnik shoes. or before christian dior and gucci was worn in every "hip-hop" music video. disneyland isn't the happiest place on earth... if you didn't work there (JK!!!!!!) i'm sorry, but living in orange county isn't all that it's cracked out to be. but... i'd rather live in orange county than still live with my dad in la mirada. even though it is considered L.A. if i had it my way (and i truly wish i did!) i'd live in san diego. really. OC and LA are so damn overrated. and i think SD is super under-rated. but that's my 2 cents on that.
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| augh!!!!!! i've been sick since friday. i had to call out sick on friday, and today. i've had the weekend to recuperate, but with the fires and bad air quality and all, things just didn't get better by today that i'd hoped. boo. i am miserable. my throat hurts and my head's so stuffy. i hate callin in from work, but i can't help it. it hurts to talk. and i talk ALL DAY long and with some kids, it's louder than normal. i'm going back to work tomorrow, though. hopefully, things'll be better.
fires. again. not in irvine (thank god) this time, but closer to home. well, my mom's home, anyway. we went to my mom's on saturday night. it took us FOREVER to get there 'cause she lives so close to the 55/57 and 91 freeways. the only way to get to my mom's from irvine. on the freeway going towards my mom's, we can see the flames. it was horrible. she was so terrified she'd have to be evacuated. the fires are hardly contained and are coming in every direction but irvine, it seems. AUGH. last year, all over again. last year, it was my sister's house in san diego, and our house here in irvine was very close to the fires, but not really. i hope and pray that people who are affected by this fire will be at ease soon, and that they will overcome such tragedy.
new phone. i went to t-mobile on saturday, too. i got a new phone. i was so fed up with at&t. i hardly got to make calls 'cause at&t just straight out sucks in irvine. stupid chicks at cerritos mall tried to convince me to stay with at&t. sorry, no way in hell am i staying with them. they swore service was good in irvine (i have spoken to a few people at at&t stores in irvine swearing that there's nothing to be done and we're all just SOL on the whole deal). bullshit, man. now, i get great signal. my number's the same, just a new fancy phone. not a blackberry or the G1 (although i am very curious about it, despite the negative reviews on that). i just have a trusty samsung with my faves! haha. lol. unfortunately, now that i have t-mobile, and just about everyone i know has at&t, it's gonna suck 'cause i don't have mobile-to-mobile anymore, just my faves. oh well. for my sake, and for my well-being, and for my SANITY it's all going to be worth it.
i've been addicted to buying new songs on rockband 2. AUGH. i know. i should save my money and not buy so many songs but OMG i can't help it. i'm trying to get better at it too. our cymbals broke yesterday. DUDE. they hardly lasted a week! i'm so sad. i'm going to buy new ones today. BOOOO. damn you, rockband 2. even though i hate that they're broken, i can't help but want to buy new cymbals. AUGHHH!
so i found out i have thanksgiving day and the day-after thanksgiving off. YAY! so, i get to spend thanksgiving with my sisters rox and laura. and hopefully, with our boyfriends. unfortunately, disneyland being the fascists they are, didn't grant eugene's day off and he has to work the canoes that day. SUCKS! i hate disneyland for doing that. but whatever. hopefully, he'll have christmas off. *sigh*
well... off to more resting. i haven't been this sick in months, which is kind of a good thing considering i'm around kids all the time, and most of the time, i have at least one sick kid a week. why their parents don't cancel their session(s) is beyong me, but i've been lucky. hopefully i'll be better for work tomorrow.
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| geez. what a week it's been. it's been an incredibly busy one for me, with work and getting stuff together for work so that i can get my full-time status already. tuesday was election day. a day i've been waiting for for many months. nearly a year, actually. i got off of work at 6, had to run errands, and rushed nearby my dad's house in la mirada to vote. i made it just in time! i put in my vote for barack obama, no on 8, etc. when i got home, my roommates and i celebrated barack obama's win for the presidency. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!
without getting to worked up over the whole thing, i shall end it with that. the next 4 years are going to be incredible. i can already feel it. a much deserved win!
things with me have been ok. work is cool. i mean, it was stressful for a while, but things are much better. there are days i wish that things could be easier, but that usually just happens before my cases for the day, and than i'd get over it. i'm happy with it all. really. and once i get my full-time status, things will be much more at ease for me. thank goodness.
halloween was okay. i mean it was a friday night, and eugene usually works that night, but he got the night off. we ended up going to la mirada to spend time with my family. i carved a pumpkin with eugene and my roommates. i carved a barack obama pumpkin, which actually, came out so great! the rest of the evening was very kick back, nothing special, really. a normal friday night for me.
as you can tell, life isn't too exciting nowadays. hopefully, things will get more exciting... soon! lol!
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